The Hardest
by ImOrca
Summary: Post 3.10 ("Home"), Carol and Carl have a discussion as a follow-up/fallout from 3.09 ("The Suicide King"). The departure/return of the Dixons prompts some complicated reflections.


**Notes: I'm definitely a Caryl shipper. Rumor has it that a "courtship" of some type is more likely now than it has ever been, but strangely I found it less believable after Daryl had left and returned. Also, strangely, I find that I can't write directly about the relationship I like the best. I wanted to explore the fallout from the Carol/Beth and Carol/Carl interactions from the "Home" episode that might come into play in the aftermath of "The Suicide King." BTW, it's really hard to write fanfiction for this show, 'cause there are so many great writers already working. Be kind.**

****Edit for typing errors 3/23/13.**

**Disclaimer: Copyright for **_**The Walking Dead**_** belongs to AMC, et al. My writing belongs to me, as do errors.**

**Title: "The Hardest"**

Carol didn't feel like listening any more. Frankly, the men were doing enough foolish snapping at each other that they'd repeated themselves twice over. While they flapped their traps and seethed and sweated and punched and kicked inanimate objects, she'd grabbed her rifle and the binoculars to take watch on the walkway. If she was honest with herself she was glad to be alone. She was tired of being watched. Beth had been watching her ever since the Dixon brothers had made it back inside the prison doors. It was like the teen thought it was going to be a soap opera reunion. Carol almost regretted having been so open with Beth in defending Daryl after he left. It had revealed Carol's own feelings too obviously, and now Beth thought she had the inside scoop on what should happen.

Taking up the field glasses she scanned first north, then south, along the fences of the yard. The temporary repairs they had made to the boundaries appeared to be holding. As far as she could see the walker numbers were nothing higher than they had tended to be prior to the Woodbury incursion, a few animated corpses wandering in and out of the tree lines at the moment. Maggie had taken to watching her as well, but for different reasons. Since Glenn had lost his shit over the return of Merle, and had not managed to listen to anything but the demons inside his own head, Maggie had turned to Carol for emotional stability. Maggie hadn't explained what had happened in the dungeons of the Governor, but Carol could surmise based on Maggie's new uncertainties and Glenn's sudden spike in testosterone exploding all over the prison. Now the younger woman appeared to watch Carol to reassure herself. It was a kind of pressure that Carol hadn't expected. It was something she had felt responsible for as a mother to her young daughter, but never for another adult, especially one that she herself had always felt timid in comparison to.

Then there had been Hershel, who seemed to think that she'd be able to calm Rick the way she calmed his infant daughter. She'd finally had to take the vet aside and remind him that as much as she cared for him, she was not the former sheriff's wife, and was not the one who would be able to knit together the edges of his fraying sanity. Hershel had sheepishly admitted to the silent expectations he'd placed on her, and done his best to back off.

The heat was lying thick like a blanket, and the insects were singing a din in the afternoon haze. The sky was clouded over and the humidity outrageous, but it didn't look like they'd be getting rain any time soon. Every so often she could hear the voices inside rise. She shook her head. She heard the door creak open and wasn't surprised to see Carl step out. She smiled at him as he shut the door, leaning against it and making a face. She gestured to him to join her. As he strode across the skyway she was saddened so see that he moved like a man, childish bounce gone from his step. When he got close she reached an arm around and pulled him into a side embrace. He didn't get enough affection in her opinion, and while he would still allow it she was going to hug him like she did when Sophia was still alive.

"Hey, careful the hat!"

"Oh, go on. You know what I think of that old hat. Decided to come out and listen to the grasshoppers sing with me?"

Carl gave a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. "Nah. I just couldn't take any more of that sh- ah, stupid arguing. I don't understand what the big deal is. We got attacked. We need more help. My dad...he needs...he needs someone to spell him for a while." He pulled out of Carol's grasp and linked his fingers into the wire fence, leaning against it and staring off into the yard. "I get that Merle is a jerk and all, but it ain't like we don't all have guns. I mean, we can shoot him if he goes rogue."

It pained Carol to hear a child say those things. It pained her more to realize that a thirteen year old boy had more sense than all the men back in that room downstairs.

"I won't argue with you, Carl. But there are a lot of things that adults have a hard time forgetting. Do you remember my husband Ed?"

Carl looked back at her, uncertain. "Yeah, I guess."

"Did you know he was a...bad man? That he used to hit me? Did Sophia ever talk to you about that?"

Carl blinked at her. He looked at his boots. "No, Sophia never said anything. I guess I kind of knew something wasn't right with you all, but...," he looked at her quickly and looked away again, "I was still a kid. Kids...kind of know stuff that they don't know. Y'know?"

Carol turned to face the opposite way, partly to hide her smile. "I think so. Well, when I was married to him part of me knew I should take Sophia away because it would be better for us. That was the plain truth of the thing. But, somehow in my head I found all kinds of ways not to do that." She looked back over to the door, then leaned back and caught Carl's eye. "It sounded in my head like it sounds in there sometimes."

"Is that why you're out here?"

"Yes and no. I already know that I'll stay with you and Judith. And since you'll stay with your dad, that's where I'll be. The arguing is just a formality."

"So." He hesitated, as if he was searching for a way to say something unpleasant. "So, it's Daryl then."

Oh, sweet Aunt Louise! "Ppft! Not you, too. Where did you get that from?"

Carl's ears began to turn pink and his shoulders sank a bit. He suddenly looked much more the boy he was. "Beth. She...she was awful mad when he left. And then, she told me about how you talked to her, and she said you sounded so mature about it that you must love him an awful lot. And then when he came back? Well, she's just waitin' to see when you two get back together?"

Carol rolled her eyes. Oh, to be seventeen again. Even at the end of the world romance was the center of all things.

"Aw, man. I didn't...I don't...please don't be mad. She didn't mean anything by it. And I –"

"Carl, it's okay. We don't have much fun in our lives. I wish we had real romances to gossip about. But, it's like I said, adults have so much complicating their heads that things that look simple aren't often that way."

"Yeah." They stood in silence for a few minutes watching like they were supposed to be.

Then Carl drew in a deep breath. "But." He held his breath, and then let it out.

Carol made an amused sound and bumped shoulders with him. "Go on."

"You said that it was complicated like that, with Ed. But then you said that with Jude and me, it was really simple – that you knew for sure where you'd be."

"I did."

"How is that?"

She took a moment to think. How was that? "I don't think it would have been before," she gestured to the shuffling corpses outside the fences, "they entered the picture, or before Ed died, or before," she stumbled over the words, "b-before Sophia got – got lost. But those things burned away a lot of the...the noise in my head. Decisions are more clear to me now."

Carl nodded. "Do you think I'm going to skip all that stuff then? Since I've grown up with walkers?"

"I don't know, Carl."

"Do you think it's better?"

She turned to him and grasped his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. "I do not think it's good that you have had a life this hard. I don't think it's fair that you didn't get to grow up in a world that was kind to you, or that let you keep your Mom, and your home, and your friends. But I will say this: I am very proud to know you, Carl Grimes. And there is nobody I'd rather be on watch with."

Carl smiled genuinely back at her. And to her surprise, he moved to give her a quick hug before stepping back again.

"Not even Daryl?"

"Daryl what?"

"You wouldn't even rather be on watch with Daryl?" Carl waited, measuring her reaction.

"You aren't really asking about watch, are you?"

He blinked, looked down at his boots again, and then back up. He shook his head "no." There was a longing and a thousand questions in his eyes. She was pretty sure they weren't exactly questions about her and Daryl, even though that's probably how he'd ask them. Here was a young man who was growing up much faster than he should, whose closest friend was a young woman with romance on the brain. The relationship examples he had in front of him were his parents' and Glenn and Maggie. The former had ended disastrously, and the later was now being torn apart. How was Carl to learn about this delicate subject without a mother, and with a father who might not return to him? And if Beth was going to be pressing him for what Carol suspected she would be pressing him for soon? But who the hell was she to talk to him about it, given her failed history? The options were shit.

"Carl, if I talk to you about this you need to promise two things."

He nodded, his mouth held in that telling way of his that said "no more kids' stuff."

"First, anything that I tell you about myself is absolutely private. You cannot speak to anyone about it. Not Beth. Not your father. Not...Daryl. Do you promise?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Second, anything we talk about is sensitive. It is not something you should ever use to hurt me or any other woman in your life. Do you promise?"

"Yes, ma'am."

He looked both nervous and hopeful.

"Sometimes I won't know the answer, even if the question is about me. Sometimes the answer I had will be the wrong one and that's all I'll know. I can't tell you what anyone else is thinking or feeling and I won't break anyone's confidence. But I'll always try to tell the truth, okay?"

"Okay."

"So?"

"So. Um. So, can you explain to me about Daryl? I mean Beth says all this stuff. I guess I don't know how to tell if you like him – ya know, like that. That's the hardest thing."

"Oh, Carl. That is absolutely right. It is the hardest thing." She shifted on her feet. She could feel her cheeks heating up. "Oh, my gosh, I'm blushing. I'm seriously blushing."

Carl smirked. "It actually makes me feel better. You were married and all, and still. Why is that?"

"Probably because I'd be telling you something that I never said to anyone."

"You haven't?"

"Nope."

"So...not to him?"

"Lord no!"

"Why not?"

"Well, um. It's – It's not something you say to someone you're...you're not with...like that."

"Why aren't you?"

"See, Carl. This is one of those complicated things. But it doesn't seem like it should be. I suppose it's because I don't know if he feels that way about me. And I am always afraid to say what I feel if I don't know what another person feels."

"Yeah. It's like, what if they don't feel the same, or laugh or something. Or hate you. Or stop talking to you, or stop being your friend." Carl had started pacing back and forth as he said this.

She nodded. "It takes a lot of courage, and I don't think I'm very brave. And the thing is, you'd think that when you grow up people would be able to do it better, but I'm not sure they do. I know that I don't."

Carl stopped after his last turn. He looked at her through his lashes, relieved but sad. "But you feel that way about him?"

She hesitated. "I did."

"Did? Don't you anymore?"

"I'm..." She made a frustrated sound. "He left the group. I had to face the fact that I was never going to see him again. I had to adjust myself to that. Because of how the world is now, that needs to happen fast. We have to be ready for what happens next. I – I found a way to understand his choice and I began to work on living different."

"But he's back now. He's here. I think he's been trying to be alone with you."

"I'm not sure about that. I don't know what will happen if we are alone."

"What if he says that he likes you?"

"Do you mean what if he wants to be romantic with me?"

"Yes."

"I have to be honest with you, don't I?"

"You said you would."

"Before he left, he probably wouldn't have had to say anything. He probably would only have had to nod at me and I would have swooned."

"Swooned?" He crinkled his nose at the unfamiliar term.

She laughed a little. "Fallen into his arms? Um, because I was unable to resist his, um, charms?"

"Ahhh."

"Yeah. Now, I'm not quite as sure of...him, or myself. It's like, time moves different since the walkers. A few days seems like a really long time. I think Daryl would have to be a lot braver than he's been before." She thought to herself that she would definitely have to be.

"What do you mean? Daryl's the bravest man I ever saw!"

Carol sighed and dropped her head. She shook it, then looked out over the yard into the distance. "It's like I was saying, Carl. Adults have a lot of complications to get over. I have no doubt that Daryl has the courage to kill anything or anyone to protect us. He's...the best at being strong. But sometimes being brave, for a man, is about knowing how to be vulnerable."

Carl's eyebrows were raised and he looked absolutely confused. "Huh?"

She searched for a way to explain it to the young man. Then she remembered. "You said earlier that your dad needed – I think you said something like he needed someone to 'spell' him for a bit?"

He narrowed his eyes, and nodded, following her question. "He's been doing so much for so long. He needs help and he just won't ask for it. It's stupid and it's dangerous."

"I think you're right. Why do you think he's doing that?"

Carl thought for a minute. He'd started pacing idly again. "I think he's afraid that if we don't have a leader we will fall apart. I think he's afraid of another – ," he paused, and his voice got very quiet, "of another Shane. I think maybe he doesn't know what else to be if he isn't in charge."

This man-child was seeing things that broke her heart. If only he could keep from being turned into a bitter stone by the things he'd have to do. It was amazing it hadn't killed his soul already. She crossed her arms across her waist. It was a little hard for her to speak around the lump in her throat. "I think it would be pretty hard for him to admit he's afraid, if he is." She looked down, and scuffed her boot at a grasshoppers that had jumped up on the path. It flew up and poised on one of the chain links. "It's weird that way, to think that it would be brave of your dad to show us he's scared." She glanced up and caught Carl's eye.

A spark caught him from within. "Oh, I get it. Maybe Daryl is like that about liking you. But..."

Now it was her turn to raise a brow in question.

"But everybody knows how he feels about you!"

She closed her eyes and indicated a negative. "No. We don't. I don't. Just because we might want a thing does not make it so. Daryl has his own complicated things to deal with, just like your dad. Just like me." She reached out and rubbed Carl's shoulder. "Just like you. Romantic feelings are maybe the hardest of all."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Carl sucked in his breath and blew it out. He seemed to shake himself, then grinned up at her. "You blushed."

"Hush!" She put her hands to her cheeks and could feel the heat rising again.

Carl laughed.

"Stop!" She couldn't help the chuckle that rose in her chest to join his. "And after all that serious talk I had with you!" She batted at his hat. "That hat! You scamp!"

Carl ducked away from her, still laughing. "Hey, Carol." He stood up straight, smiling broadly. "Um, thanks. Can I – Can we talk again? Sometimes it's just..." his smile faded, "hard. Everyone is so tense." He looked over to the door. The voices had stopped awhile back. "It's hard to know what I can and can't say, and Beth...it's like she thinks I should agree with her." He looked back to Carol again.

"Sure, Carl. As long as you keep your promises."

"I will."

Carol nodded. "I think we've kept watch long enough, don't you? Let's get somebody else out here to take care of us while we get a drink. Maybe check on li'l ass kicker. You in?"

"I'm in."


End file.
